It was the philosopher Epictetus who once said if you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid.
i am in my life long journey of self improvement. making a fool of myself countless of times and making stupid decisions that i know i will regret. the past few days have been tough. a result of a risk i took.
it was on one night, like any other night in my life that i said to myself the hell, i am going to ask him out. mustering enormous amount of courage i sent him a message. and its 5 days now i am still waiting for a reply.
i should be used to this. you know? rejection. i am starting to believe that i am in the wrong industry. i should have been an actor. at least, rejection would have felt like second skin. but here i am, losing a much needed sleep night after night. smoking cigarettes after cigarettes while i write this. still thinking and forming a perfect ending to my quest of love and life. a Korean drama series that i get to watch said ,can we love? to that i answer yes. definitely. without a doubt. love after all is innate. we love all the things we like. Loving is easy. Its second nature. but finding Love? Now, that's a different story.
many of us have thought about what the future holds. many of us have preconceived notions on that picture, and many of us have made a set like going to college, graduating, meeting someone interesting, making it work but fails miserably, immersing one self in work and then finally in one of those nights or days, just like any other day in our lives you meet him/her. Then you start dreaming. Planning for not one but for two. And finally marrying that person and living happily ever after. Most would be content with this. Some lived for this fairy tale. Some, after many many years when they are gray and have the luxury of hindsight would not.
i believe that we only love once in our life. the belief of destiny, points only to one person we never stopped loving. they stay, like leeches in your brain. fighting for dear life to hold on. time passes and we move on, or so we thought. until you see him/her again. they start to wreck havoc on your mind, on your being. and you start asking yourself, what went wrong? what could have you done differently? then you brush them off. convincing yourself that you have moved on. so you date. you try to meet other people. but you end up comparing that person to your 1st. and with sadness, they compare miserably. you start to devise a plan to relive everything. to have one more chance. but at the last moment you back out. finally admitting to yourself that you've had your chance and blew it. you just cant take the risk. you know that it will destroy you, your dreams and everything you have. you end up unhappy.
one might ask, what's the cause of our sadness, incontentment and misery? i have only one answer to this. It is ourselves. we go through our lives not knowing how to be risky. day after day we choose to be on the safe side rather than giving the unknown a chance. we stop ourselves in getting what we want because we know that getting something we most desire also means losing something that we have. somehow we convince ourselves that what we have is enough even though at the back of our minds we know, we could have been better. we could have done better, we could have been happier.
This isn't about love. its about choices. This is about taking risks. We must not dwell on what ifs and what could have been because if we do we are going to live a life of regret. I know it is easier said than done. Believe me, I know how to be scared or embarrassed. and its ok. Simon holt said If you don't learn how to be scared you'll never know how to be brave. and that's what we all need to do. to face every challenge head on. to face our fears so we may overcome the uncertainty. to ask questions we need answering and to gamble on fate and believe. Jump and let go. Be like Elsa.
To you, you know where to find me.
if someone other than him is reading this. If you know someone who needs a little push let them read this. if you know someone unhappy, share this to them. maybe my failure could put a smile in their faces and maybe just maybe this could make them take more risks. and maybe they could be like Elsa. or prove that damn Epictetus wrong.
